Gregory M Smith

Trapped Inside My Mother's Mirror Gregory M Smith

This book is about one person's experience growing up in a family that was heavily influenced by a narcissistic mother and violence in the household. I was born into such a family. My mother was extremely narcissistic, and she would subject me to constant verbal and physical assaults. I was born with a cleft palate, and as such I guess I was different from day one. My mother blamed me for anything and everything, in fact I was seen as the scapegoat of the family. My life was hard. Not only was I being victimized at home by my mother and extended family, I was constantly harassed and bullied at school. These were tough times and the only person I felt safe with was my Nonno. This is not a story about victimization...this is a story about one person's ability to rise above adversity. As children we learn by others, in fact we are conditioned to adopt and inherent other people's opinions which in turn lead to personal belief systems about where and how we fit into the world. These beliefs become coping strategies; subconscious beliefs about who and how we are. As a result of this, my life was not an easy one. I made decisions that were based upon my influential beliefs, poor choices that led to more misery and suffering. I ended up being married to a man who was very similar to my mother, and he was extremely abusive and violent. It wasn't until I reached out for help that I began to realize that it wasn't my fault for everything...and that I was being manipulated. I always tried to fix things and made excuses, quite often taking the blame for situations beyond my control. Fact was I never really had control...my mother saw to that. She undermined me and created in me the sense of failure and a shame-based personality. I had no power, nor did I have a voice. Once I found my own strength, I left my husband and turned away from my mother. Many times, I tried to reconcile with her, but I would not subject myself to her vindictive and abusive ways. In the end I had to let her go. My family and relatives also abandoned me unless I return to the way they wanted me to be. I wasn't going to do that. I was isolated and alone, but I was free. This is my story.